How I got over my 'I'm so weird phase’

How many of us have had those phases where we considered ourselves weird? People have several of those phases all the time. Some people classify themselves, some people don’t, but certainly, everyone forms an idea about themselves or what they are like in the eyes of society. Most of us start looking at ourselves through the eyes of our parents, teachers or friends and slowly start giving in to their idea of belief for our individuality.

All things considered, I sure thought of myself that way and gauged my activities by the judgment society would make on me. When I was in class 6th, I was sent to a boarding purpose, because my father believed it would be an amazing experience. Well, it was, but let’s say I fucked up one time and it stuck around and eventually I had to leave because the social pressure was too much.

As an individual who was unable to make friends in that particular space, I started trying hard to become socially likeable and termed myself as “weird” and normalised the term for myself. Like if anyone would say something about me, I’d probably reply with “Ya, I guess I am weird”. I never thought about why I said it so much and tried making myself believe that I was weird. It seemed normal as a 13-year-old. Everyone was labelling themselves, anyway.

But as a 21-year-old, I have come to realise that I am not weird. When I first realized that, it was pretty disappointing because I firmly believed myself to be weird, that was my superhero power. How can I be just normal? Normal doesn’t sound fun. Normal is boring. Well, thanks to the pandemic I thought a lot about this, over and over again and here are some things that I figured out.

• Maybe, I was normalising the term “weird” for myself because I had the fear, what if someone else calls that to me in public? So that way, if I already claim to be weird, I might as well save myself from a future possibility.

• Maybe, I was calling myself “weird” because I had different interests than popular kids of the class.

• Maybe, I was calling myself “weird” because I saw society in a way, where everyone seemed to be indulging in constructive hobbies, thinking about their futures and I was busy drawing random stuff on the back of my notebooks. Note: I wasn’t even good at drawing.

• Maybe, I was calling myself “weird” because I knew myself, more than others did and I knew I was holistically sad. But how could I possibly be sad at 13? Maybe that’s why calling myself weird, seemed like a better option.

At 21, it’s just funny, how I spend seven years of my life, thinking I was some weirdo. Well, probably I am, but who knows. All I know at this very moment is that I am normal. Not weird. Not bipolar. Not depressed. Not unprivileged (very privileged according to Indian statistical data). So, I am normal and its boring and plain and uninteresting and doesn’t have any edge to it, but that is what is my superpower. I am normal.

By the way, in case you were wondering how I got over it? I just realised being with similar people in college, that everyone has their bucket of sorrows and dilemmas. Everyone has been in a shitty school environment (would probably write about it). Everyone has their struggles and struggles don’t make you weird. They make you normal. They make you more human (might write about this too) They make you the person you are and sadly, that’s just normal.